Hello

To become a member, you need to come to some of the FT events to get to know more first-hand what Family Tree is about and what Treers are like; and Treers will be getting to know you a bit, too. If you decide to become a member, you can ask the Clerk-Treasurer or another member for a membership form. This form has to be signed by three Treers who are your sponsors and, of course, there is a fee for dues (which does not include a newsletter subscription; as a member you get the newsletter at a reduced rate, however). You may subscribe to the newsletter, whether or not you become a member.

Editor

A Few Words

And now for our Statement of Purpose:

• to provide a forum for the exchange of information and experiences,
  
• to provide a meeting place and sponsor social and growth oriented activities,
  
• to contribute to increased understanding and acceptance of alternative lifestyles.

And now onto the articles...

Good-Bye, Sort Of

There does not appear to be a Tree person who is not already busy with a full and interesting life. And yet we host events, coordinate the myriad details, carpool each other, write articles, publish this (which takes several people several good chunks of time), and even manage to get together in various menages once or twice a month.

Why? It's not just a few. Most events are the product of many Treers and most Treers have contributed to many events. Even newcomers who are still unsure of where they fit in all this contribute to discussion groups, help set up and clean up potlucks, and give rides.

And we take care of each other. Nothing ridiculous, but Treefolk do seem to do each other a lot of favors, loan things, help move stuff, check up on sick friends, network a little. It happens a lot and it happens for more than just a few.

Issues of alternative lifestyles aside, I think it's because we can gather a critical mass of people who are predisposed to be good to other people and, given a social context where it is acceptable, will be good to each other. Unless a lot of people are holding out on a good thing, this caring context is very rare.

Peace.

Commuter Marriage

In September, he moved to Townsend while she remained directing her nursery school, and she began to face, with some misgivings, the one and three quarter hour weekend drives to be with her husband.

We have discovered that weekends are an exciting, joy-filled romantic time together. During the week we ask, "What fun things can we plan to do next weekend?" Since we have always had limited time together, this is not a dramatic change, but there is more intensity in being together and doing things; "quality time" is a more meaningful term for us now.

We're discovering that when we disagree, we tend to cut our arguments short, realizing that we are wasting precious time. It also helps us focus disagreements more quickly onto the basic differences. (Our style tends to be debate - or simultaneous monologues - with each of us fighting for the imaginary microphone.)

We find ourselves "freed-up" from living on, or trying to accommodate to, the other's time schedule and/or metabolism. For example, she likes to go to bed early and get up early, eat meals at a specific time, study and work on schedule, jog at the same time each day, etc. He prefers being late to bed and late to rise, and having a less structured schedule. If he didn't get around to eating lunch until 2 or 3 p.m., he wasn't ready for supper at 5:30 but felt he ought to for Nancy's sake. Now we are free to "do our own things" during the week, and we both feel more relaxed and less harried.

One of the things we both miss is shared responsibility for daily life. It is the flip side of the freedom to do your own thing: the sense of having total responsibility for your life fives days a week. There is a sense of loss in having available at a moment's notice the "friendly sounding board" to help one with thorny situations, frustrations, or even sharing visions. Neither of us is quite comfortable with making decisions alone.

One very practical consideration for her is that her decision is not one of having or not having a commuter marriage, but rather what type of commuting she prefers. Most of the people living where she does drive between half and hour to an hour or more to work each day into the Worcester or Boston or Nashua areas. In comparison, she dries about seven minutes to school, is finished by 3 p.m., has the two summer months off, plus three one-week school vacations and paid holidays. She feels she is far ahead of the game by commuting only on weekends in spite of nervousness about driving in bad weather.

It is not a life we would intend to live forever, but for now the advantages and enjoyment far outweigh the disadvantages and frustrations.

One measure of life satisfaction that we occasionally use is the query, "If you found out you had only three months to live, what would you do?" When we can answer "Probably continue what I'm doing now, day by day," then we know that we are in pretty good shape. For now, at least, that is our mutual answer.

The Authors

Open Relationships Revisited

What is necessary to make an open relationship work? The list includes such things as a sense of security, open communications, trust, balanced and fair allocation of resources, veto power, sense of primacy, tolerance for different levels of relationships, non-possessiveness, and not making comparisons. Very important is mutual support to carry through with the open relationship ethic.

Back to allocation of resources. Time is a reality in everyone's life; those in open relationships are all too aware of what feels like not enough time spent together. Sometimes the issue is not another person but rather a job or activity which takes so much time as to throw that sometimes delicate balance off. Ever heard the term "computer widow?" Doing things with others is supplementary and does not detract from the primary relationship (or maybe that is a "should"). But then there are those problems of "combinatorics" -- does he like here and she like her and he like him, etc. "You can work as late as you want as long as you use DEC equipment and not IBM." (Not everyone agreed that a job situation and a sexual one were analogous.).

What happens when your partner is threatened by your new friend? He/she should be able to be open about this feeling with you. This is where the veto power comes in although I would say that perhaps in the process of disclosing and discussing feelings, perhaps the veto need not be used since the threatened person has had a chance to be heard, supported, and maybe even work through some issue and feel ok again.

To compare or not to compare, that was an area of disagreement. Several people suggested that we all compare one thing with another, one person with another, although it may not be on a conscious level. Comparing yourself with your partner's friend to see who is "better" is a self-destructive behavior. But seeing what is unique (and what you like) about the other person can be positive. The worst thing is to compare out load -- "Hers are bigger than yours."

What about that person who is not "primary?" Despite the possibility of being cut off, there are safety and goodies in being the secondary person. There are people you may love but wouldn't ever want to live with. You may not want to marry or have children. For some, a short-term relationship is a positive experience; it has joys without the hassles, the "rush" of someone new, and provides an opportunity for great fantasies.

What about loneliness when your partner is not around? Many people have discovered that having some alone time can be fun, refueling, and welcomed. It is at those times that you can let go and indulge yourself -- do whatever you want. No one's around to bug you or distract you. Rather than a punishment, your alone time is a gift. Enjoy!

Then there's interfacing with parents. Do you tell them? How is this handled? Parental reactions vary, and they may surprise you. They tend to look at their own life experiences and find something close to an analogous situation in order to grasp and respond to their offspring's lifestyle. Therefore, if their memory was of a negative or conflicted experience, chances are they will have trouble accepting things. If their's was a neutral or positive, they will feel OK about it.

Along with parents, we brought up children. The school systems and many elements of society are so used to children with multiple parents, usually as a result of divorce, that there are usually less problems than most people think. Children are capable of understanding that their lifestyle is "different" and consciously choose not to talk to school-mates and stranger about this. Open communications between adults and children are important to help understand all the concerns and issues involved and to give each other support.

"Why can't the secondary relationships be permanent?" It takes too much time and energy. The relationship may be limiting. It is a part of being open. It interferes with the development of people's lives. Some relationships can go for a long time -- an eight-year relationship was mentioned -- and go through different stages. There are many reasons for getting involved in these relationships. Break-up may come because the secondary person moves thousands of miles away or because the secondary person wants to become primary.

It was suggested that the secondary person has to go through a period of exclusiveness, a time of concentrated attention. This intense period is needed and should be spontaneous because it feels good, not out of resentment. Along with this came the comment that "you can have exclusivity without commitment"; sometimes exclusivity is thought of (wrongly) as commitment.

How do you find others with an open ethic? (Otherwise you get left for someone willing to marry, among other things.) One approach is to tell the person you are seeing other people and observe the reaction. Talk about your open ethic. Keep in mind that people think they know where they are coming from but often discover they are not in touch with their feelings.

Open Relationships and Families: Interfaces

1. No. my parents don't have any frame of reference
2. My father didn't entirely accept the idea of no college and not being successful; my mother wished I would marry and have kids.
3. My mother could hear anything about me; she would adjust after three days. I wouldn't even try with others in my family.
4. My mother and brother met many of my friends. Up till this spring, they didn't think friends stayed overnight. My mother would try, but my brother wouldn't come to visit us saying he didn't want his kids to grow up like me.
5. I'm surprised how well my parents have taken it. The first time I visited them with a girlfriend, the issue was whether we would be sleeping in separate rooms. Now we use the same room.
6. My brother and girlfriend lived together for several years. Mother didn't want anyone to know. Mother now likes his girlfriend and now brings her friends to their house. My father is a minister, and he couldn't understand my brother living with someone. He game them money to get married. But as for how my mother feels about me and my lifestyle, she says it's OK as long as I don't do it in her town.
7. When I first lived with someone, my parents disowned me. Mother called my boyfriend "sir". Dad was much more accepting. My grandparents were always accepting; their goal in life was happiness. I told them I was involved in Family Tree. When my friend and I visited my parents, Dad gave us a room together. Grandmother asked, "Don't you believe in marriage anymore? Why don't you get married?"
8. When we were doing our research and visiting my in-laws, we told them about group marriage. They were about to meet some friends who were forming such a lifestyle. One night they met one dyad; the next night they were about to meet the woman from the previous night's dyad and her other partner, so we figured we better do some explaining and prepare them. My father-in-law was embarrassed; my mother-in-law said she understood and even went so far as to say that if we ever got into a group marriage, she would welcome our co-partners into her home, although she could not picture thinking of them as her son and daughter-in-law. We were thrilled by their acceptance, so we started to tell my parents. They didn't say much at first, but it turned out my mother had a very strong negative reaction.
9. Both sets of parents know about our lifestyle. My mother says it's OK to talk about anything with her except what goes on in the bedroom. She just doesn't let in what she doesn't want to hear. When my mother discovered that my younger brother was living with a woman and in a commune, she was thrilled. She felt relieved that he was normal, healthy man. She doesn't want to tell friends about her kids' lifestyles if they are unconventional.

How do you change parent's attitudes that are tied to other things (traditional values and attitudes about sex)?

1. Learn your parents' past and language. When I first lived in a commune, all my mother could imagine was sex, drugs, and V.C. flags.
2. Have your parents meet the people you are involved with before explaining. My dad might be more accepting, probably because he was not happy in his marriage.
3. Find something positive from your parents' past that will help bridge and relate to your situation. If their past experiences were negative, they will probably see yours that way, too.

What about relating with kids of single parent families whose parents you get involved with?

1. Stand back and let their mother be in charge. Respond to them only when they approach you (as in picking up a toy they dropped and want you to retrieve).
2. Connect with the children, befriend them. My children seem to connect with the people I'm involved with.
3. My children make their own decisions as to whom they want to connect with. I tell any new people in my life that if my kids don't like them, they will just ignore them and do their own thing.

What happens to friends and relatives who disagree with your lifestyle?

1. My housemate doesn't talk to me anymore. I tried to explain to him that I was in a caring relationship (with someone who was involved with another person in addition to me), but he doesn't understand. He says he is worried I'll get hurt.
2. I was once involved with someone who apparently was involved in an open phase who then closed down and wrote me off, probably because of her conception of my involvement in a commune, etc.
3. I have gone through similar situations where friends ended the relationship because of our lifestyle. These endings left me with many unresolved feelings.
4. It is uncomfortable to live in a neighborhood where neighbors, not able to understand or accept your lifestyle, make up stories/rumors about you. One of our neighbors decided we ran a half-way house for drug addicts!
5. When we were in a triadic group marriage, the other woman's relatives were upset and tried to cause trouble. We invited them to an open house to attempt to bridge the gap between us and hoped they would see us as human beings and be more accepting and less threatened; instead, they formed what I thought of as a circle of wagons, waiting for the Indian attack on the wagon train. One woman even sat in her husband's lap to be assured a safe place in the circle!

1. It's not really possible.
2. It takes time and education.
3. Very slowly things become acceptable.

How Does Sex Fit Into Our Lives?

Someone stated that "sex is up there with bread and water...sexuality is very powerful." The "forbidden fruit" syndrome was mentioned, but it was also mentioned that it was not really that much of a motivation. It is probably less so in open relationships, but there are those who do seem to seek what they can't have. One person felt that in an open relationship one doesn't have to worry about other stuff; one can feel free to consider whether getting involved with this person is meaningful. I should throw in here that some people differed in whether being truthful/open with potential intimates (about the nature of their lifestyle) makes things better after the initial shock. One person said, "yes"; Another said "no." The first person said that he wanted to know what the bottom line was, that he was a realist.

We talked about time; maybe time comes up a lot because it is the most difficult factor to change in all this. We only have 24 hours in a day. I really appreciated the comment about what happens to a dyad's time together when their lifestyle is established first; when you add more relationships, then time away from one's primary relationship for someone else is like taking away from the primary. One has to choose what to spend time doing. "Stopping sleeping is not a viable option!" added one Treer. The primary relationship can benefit from other relationships if the positive energies can be integrated. One man pointed out that often the secondary person is less understanding of time requirements than the primary, therefore one can end up spending more time with the secondary than the primary. (it was asked of one Treer if he had worked out an open relationship with his computers yet)

Some other comments were that one's sexual energy heightens and lowers in a long-term relationship, depending on many factors. One woman felt that she is in an open relationship for variety and interest, not because she is bored or to solve problems. For her, the best relationship is an equal exchange.

Reporting On Events

First Committed Interaction Event

For my first pairing, by the time it first occurred to me to check my watch, close to half an hour had elapsed. Since I felt responsible for facilitating the event, we stopped although we really didn't want to and I went around to roust out the others. I was met with a lot of grumbling and nasty remarks; nobody else wanted to stop either. After a short break, we repeated the procedure with a second set of pairings. I got the message from the first time and let it run longer; just about everybody still felt that they hadn't had as much time as they would have liked. The bottom line was that there was unanimous agreement that this was one of the most satisfying FT experiences that any of us had. Typical comments were:

"Wonderful to have the opportunity in a small group to relate to other people one on one."

"It gave me an opportunity to get to know two people that I really wanted to spend time with."

"I was committed to sharing myself; more satisfying, growthful"

"Satisfying in a unique way"

"Putting out a part of yourself"

Music Night

Massage Workshop

Ski Weekend Comments

"New this year - live music."

"Same as usual - great people, great food, great times."

"Warm sun, good food, stimulating conversation, dancing, juggling, skiing, walking, great fun - thanks!"

"Thanks for ordering the beautiful, warm sunshine to go with all the great people, music, and food."

"Thanks for the New Hampshire roads, woods, air to walk in. Thanks for good company and space."

"Thanks to the host, for being so nice to us all."

"Nice to be back."

"It's nice to be welcomed into the family."

"Thanks once again for sharing your space and a slice of your life; the weekends which you sponsor are unique in their ability to transport us into a peaceful and recreational space. We really appreciate it."

"Another sweet retreat at your 'Home for Overworked Persons'! It's good to be home again."

Holidays Party

Michel Speaks

I am fond of reminiscing about the original organizational meetings, held at my house. There were three of them, with mostly different people at each, beginning December 2'nd, 1978. They were followed by numerous meetings of the seven members of the original Coordinating Council. It was fun, it was exciting, and it was a little bit scary. You see, there were too many ways we could fail, some of our friends were fond of reminding us. One such way was very vivid for me, since I had started a similar organization two years earlier, and it had not survived seven meetings. The reason: I had been too ambitious, and too serious, traits I still struggle with sometimes.

But FT has survived very well indeed, and it has also changed in its three years of growth. There is more closeness, more openness, more warmth than at the beginning, and I love it. The April workshop was marvelous in this respect; people's awareness was beautiful, and so was the support they were giving each other. Equally marvelous, I hear, were the weekends in New Hampshire, which I was not able to attend. The core group of committed people has gotten larger, and they seem to know each other better and to like each other more. We can laugh now at our fears of three years ago, that some people would try to use FT purely as a "swinging" organization...

Michel (June 1982).

That the peace of the world is cast.

From there it must spread out

In the frontiers of our hearts

To the limits of the universe.

Cardinal Suenens